After taking the Enneagram test a while back I decided to sign up for the EnneaThought for the day email based on my test results (I am a six). I receive these emails daily and they are usually spot-on, but two I received recently hit home to me. The first stated “the overall keynote of Sixes is alertness. Their minds (mine) are wired in such a way that their attention is immediately drawn to anything out of the ordinary in the environment. This serves Sixes well, to sense a shift in another person’s actions or motives.” This applies to me profoundly. As a photographer, I tend to see things many people miss. I sometimes capture those, sometimes just observe. I also notice this in other aspects like visual media. When watching movies or tv, I tend to notice flaws in the shows or movies and also notice actors from other shows/movies and remember what they previously played in. Recently I had an experience with someone who fully and energetically supported me writing this blog and highly encouraged me to do so. I have learned recently that as stated above this person’s actions and motives have either been dishonest or misleading. This person occasionally reads my blog or rarely understand the message within those posts. I guess the fault of my writing skills. Both results are fine except this person tends to tell me how great the posts are. I prefer honesty over telling me what I want to hear. This is just one example I could think of. I have many more. Honestly, I am writing this blog for me as a form of therapy. However, I have found that through this process, many others have benefitted from my messages, and I love the support and genuine encouragement I receive.
The EnneaThought email above continues “alertness, however, lead to second-guessing everything including themselves, as well as other less healthy states of mind.” I also identify with this aspect as well. I second guess my decisions (afraid of failure), and I am in a constant state of observation, focusing on others’ true intentions as mentioned above. Always looking for trustworthy and genuine people.
The second email that I found so appealing stated “Sixes are full of contradictions. They can be dependent on others, yet value their independence. They want to be trusted and to trust others, yet constantly test others to allay their suspicions. They want protection from an authority, yet fear it. They are obedient, yet disobedient…. Sixes are full of contradictions because anxiety makes them ricochet from one psychological state to another.” This describes me perfectly. I am constantly testing my friends and my circle of valued, trustworthy allies is getting smaller. I so want to trust people, but I am learning that the true persona that most people display is not accurate. Not their true selves. I too hide many of my thoughts and feelings, but through this blog, I found a safe way to open up more than most people do or ever will. I often hear “I admire you for opening up, I would never be able to do that.” I also wonder why people feel the need to put up walls. I may end up all alone when I reach the end of my life due to alienation, but I want to be me, and trying to worry less of the consequences. If I can be me without fear and I only have a small group of loyal trusted friends/family then I will have succeeded. My goal is not to alienate people but to find the true, honest, and genuine people out there who accept me for me. The ones that I can trust. Not to tell me what I want to hear, but what I need to hear, without judgment.
I will continue to have internal contradictions and also remain on ‘high alert’ around people, but I am hoping through the lens of my camera and the lens of my heart I can continue to learn and see the true beauty of this world and not the “fake news” that most people are sending out.
I will soon be starting my hiking adventures again, and plan to start writing about those (the original intent of this blog). A true contradiction in my life is the necessity to be and remain around people a majority of the time. Two things have balanced and lessened the anxiety of being around people for me. One is the ability to work from home full time, the other is the ability to hike alone or with small groups of trusted people. Life is a balance. Yin and Yang, Uke and Nage are examples of balance and counter-balance. What causes you stress and anxiety? Can you eliminate it or will it be there no matter what? If it can be eliminated (activity, person, situation, feeling) from your life, remove it. If it cannot, learn to not provide it as much energy as you have and deal with it when it happens, then let it go. These are things I have asked myself and I am finding answers to these questions and dealing with them.
Until next time,
Tim
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