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Joy.

Photo by: Tim Bindner Photography

Why is any level of joy for me so hard to attain?  As someone who has planned and prepared for most of my life, I am always fighting my feeling of joy.  As a person who relies on, and is bombarded by images daily.  I have built up a file cabinet of images in my mind as a reminder of how quickly my life and joyful moments can all be over.  These images I see are provided in the daily news, social media, tv shows I watch and in some cases, viewed in real life when I see a dead animal on the side of the road, witness a car crash or hear about someone being killed and picture that in my mind.  Joy is the hardest emotion to accept because I am always waiting for the other shoe to drop.  I like everyone, want more joy in my life.

I have learned to live for disappointment and almost expect it.  I don’t get excited about much.  It is easier for me to live in disappointment than it is to feel disappointed.  I’m always holding back a bit and not get too excited about things.  My role as a father/husband is as the problem solver and that role often zaps away the ability for joy (self-inflicted).  Living disappointed for me is easier than risking excitement and being disappointed.  I am made of strengths and struggles.  I squander joy.   I plan for the other shoe to drop and it will.  Planning for that will not change those bad things and it will not hurt any less if I plan for that other shoe to drop or not, but I am wasting energy by worrying about something I cannot control.

I am learning to pay attention to those ordinary moments in my life that pass by so quickly, that I barely notice.  Those brief moments riding in the car while my son drives, the moment after a busy day that my wife and I are sitting on the couch relaxing, the moments I am playing fetch with my dog, having dinner with friends, moments I take to grab my camera and see the world through my lens or take a peaceful hike.  Even those moments when I do mundane tasks like going to the grocery with my wife or debating a subject with my son.  Those are the simple moments that to me, mean the most, and I need to be grateful for them.  Finding joy in the simple things.  Those are the moments that define my life.  I realize that joy can be attained with the practice of gratitude.  In that moment of fear, or regret, I vow, in practice, to list those things I am grateful for instead of waiting for the possible negative outcome that likely will not ever happen.  To live in joy, not fear.

I put this into practice today.  My wife swam in a swim meet and I joined her at the location.  It was outside, almost 90 degrees and I was simply laying there sweating.  I HATE the heat.  The old me would have complained, gotten worked up and became more sweating and agitated, but I put my new idea into practice.  I told myself how grateful I was to have a wife who not only could swim, but be competitive in a sport she loves.  I was grateful I was able to spend time with her.  I was grateful I could people watch, which is something I love to do.  I spent many moments staring up at the clouds and watching them form various shapes and simply drift away.  I sat there in mostly silence and even had some moments of meditation.  Because of this, I was rewarded with a visit from a lifelong friend that I do not get to see very often.  Our time was short together but it was wonderful and worthwhile to see and chat with him.  Today I lived in that moment, graciously accepted joy, and fought off any negativity by thinking of the things mentioned above as my form of gratitude.

I am either making this world a better place or I am making it worse.  There is no neutrality anymore.  I learn to seek out the joy in my life and risk the vulnerability that comes along with it.  The vulnerability of ridicule, shame, and disappointment.  These joyful moments are of my desire and my definition.  I am not seeking joy in what others do or define as joy, but what I find most meaningful.  I will combat the fear in those moments by listing what I am grateful for. Using gratefulness to ward off that feeling of not deserving this joy.

Today I took a baby step toward learning to strive for joy in my life.  I know bad things will happen, but I took a step not to focus on those things or plan for them, but to live in the moment, even in 90-degree heat, I found joy.  I was rewarded.

Until next time,

Tim

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