Anxiety no longer drives me.

Photo by: Tim Bindner Photography

Anxiety which I suffer from is contagious, and it manifests itself in two different ways.  I have learned through counseling and my research that people either over function or under function.  In anxious situations, the over-functionary people, which is what I do, become controlling, know what’s best for everyone else, micromanage, get in everyone’s business and know what’s best for everyone’s situation but not look at their stuff.  Under-functionary people become less competent, are more anxious during stressful situations, don’t get stuff done, show up late, and become the subject of talk (what is wrong with xxx) amongst family, coworkers, and friends.  So how do I counteract these behaviors?

First I am going to ask those close to me let me know when I am under or over functioning.  Next, I am learning through meditation, to breathe in those moments.  Not simple every second breathing but purposeful slow breathing to release the stress when I have anxiety.  I am struggling with this but also learning to be comfortable in silence (not due to being angry, but to gather my thoughts and emotions).  Will I then proceed with asking questions to completely understand the situation at hand and then ask myself do I have enough data to freak out?  And finally, determine if freaking out will it help …. Answer is almost always no.  I am trying to manage my reactivity to situations.

As many of you know, I have started down the path of creativity through my photography.  I have often said I am not creative, but the truth is we are all creative in some capacity, we all just need to find that outlet.  When it comes to daily life, especially work, the pressure is there to produce all the time.  Society tells me I am not doing enough, I am not busy enough, I am not enough, I am not being enough, I am not contributing enough, because being busy is being an important thing.  Society state productivity is self-worth.  The first question I was taught to ask when meeting someone new is ‘what do you do’, and use that information as a measuring stick on how important that person is to me and compares to me.  Why don’t I ask ‘what do you love’?  That answer will teach more about that person than knowing what they do.  I am learning to play and be creative.

What is a play?  Play is something you truly enjoy in recreation and not for serious competition, lose time while doing, it is fun and it is something you are inherently drawn to and want to do more and more.  Specific examples are, my wife and my friend lose themselves in a good book, my mother-in-law paints, my friend loves fishing, both in tournaments and just for fun, which leads me to another point.  When playing, what is the true purpose for you?  If you say, I do triathlons, as play.  Are you doing it for pure enjoyment or for competing against others?  If it is for the competition then that is not played.  The competition takes away the pure joy and turns it into something deep down that is work.  Play is always fun and never a chore, competition or burden.  If you run a race and come in the first place, somewhere in the middle, or the last place and still come away with a sense of pleasure and satisfaction without any regret of your time or finishing place, then that is play.

My play is a hiking, photography and listening to music.  These are activities that I lose time doing, enjoy more and more each time I do them and have a sense of craving them when I do not do them.  I hike not for distance or speed, but to disconnect from my daily stresses and soak up nature.  To hear the sounds, smell the smells and see mostly undisturbed nature.  My photography is my way to capture what I see and experience in life.  99% of them are pleasurable images but I look through my lens and the world becomes more focused (pun intended) and more defined.  For a small second, the world is muted and all I see is what is in my viewfinder.  The image captures a particular time and place that I saw, and hopefully, others can see those experiences as well, but I intend to take shots for me.  Then there is my music.  Songs take me back to specific moments in my life, like photography where I can recall what I was thinking, how I was feeling and where I was when I associate my experiences with particular songs.  I have other outlets like movies, television, and videos, but my most satisfying play comes from hiking, photography, and music.

These outlets are in the moments and easy thing to do, but making time to play and have real fun is hard and not the way the world guides us.  Not fully enjoying our lives is much harder and more dangerous than living as society wants us too.  This is something I strive for in my daily life going forward.  I yearn to hit the trails next month but rely on my other forms of play to get me through until I can get there.  Find your play activities and make time to do them.  It is why we were put on this earth!

Until next time,

Tim