Ruminator

Photo by: Tim Bindner Photography In life, you have only two choices.  Love and fear.  I am learning to not let fear control me.  I am learning to be me, my true self.  To risk being seen as my true authentic self is a very scary proposition.  I have lived a life out of fear, disguised as being practical.  I followed my parents to lead and guidance.  I went to the right schools, went to church every weekend, made safe choices in my life, and did what I was supposed to do, all under the mask of fear.  The best things in life are on the other side of fear.  My daily life thoughts are best summed up in this video by Will Smith.   https://youtu.be/bFIB05LGtMs I have always had high levels of anxiety.  As a result, I have had a few small panic attacks. I have hidden these from everyone including my wife.  I worry about so much that I cannot control.  I envision outcomes that rarely happen or happen at a far lesser degree than what I have built up in my mind.  This for me has been one of my ...

Photo by: Tim Bindner Photography Recently I have experienced a few uncomfortable situations for me as well as a few great experiences.  In all cases, I purposely lived in those moments and took what I could from them. As a photographer, I enjoy being on one side of the lens and not the other.  I love the creativity of seeing a shot, taking it and with some luck having it turn out the way I hoped or envisioned when I took it.  I was asked by the hiking club I belong to call a reporter who was doing a story on that club so she could interview me.  The interview was over the phone and quite enjoyable.  The scary part came later when I was asked to meet her and her photographer at one of my hiking destinations so the photographer could get some shots for the article.  I assumed the shots were of the trails, points I loved in the area, etc., but in fact, they were of me hiking.  As mentioned I am uncomfortable being photographed and even worse being photographed alone.  I decided to test m...

Photo by: Tim Bindner Photography Anxiety which I suffer from is contagious, and it manifests itself in two different ways.  I have learned through counseling and my research that people either over function or under function.  In anxious situations, the over-functionary people, which is what I do, become controlling, know what’s best for everyone else, micromanage, get in everyone’s business and know what’s best for everyone’s situation but not look at their stuff.  Under-functionary people become less competent, are more anxious during stressful situations, don’t get stuff done, show up late, and become the subject of talk (what is wrong with xxx) amongst family, coworkers, and friends.  So how do I counteract these behaviors? First I am going to ask those close to me let me know when I am under or over functioning.  Next, I am learning through meditation, to breathe in those moments.  Not simple every second breathing but purposeful slow breathing to release the stress when I have a...

Photo by: Tim Bindner Photography Why is any level of joy for me so hard to attain?  As someone who has planned and prepared for most of my life, I am always fighting my feeling of joy.  As a person who relies on, and is bombarded by images daily.  I have built up a file cabinet of images in my mind as a reminder of how quickly my life and joyful moments can all be over.  These images I see are provided in the daily news, social media, tv shows I watch and in some cases, viewed in real life when I see a dead animal on the side of the road, witness a car crash or hear about someone being killed and picture that in my mind.  Joy is the hardest emotion to accept because I am always waiting for the other shoe to drop.  I like everyone, want more joy in my life. I have learned to live for disappointment and almost expect it.  I don’t get excited about much.  It is easier for me to live in disappointment than it is to feel disappointed.  I’m always holding back a bit and not get too excited ...