Vulnerabilities.

Photo by: Tim Bindner Photography

I want to embrace my vulnerabilities and not fear the risk that may come from allowing others to see them.  To work through and deal with the shame and judgment that often comes when I reveal myself to others.

For most of my life, I have had this belief of who I should be, what I should do as a career, who I should hang around, how I should act and what I should look like.  I think this is something everyone struggles with and it is more prevalent in today’s society with the overabundance of social media, television commercials, and billboards amongst other things.

Shame is a driving force that leads to disconnection.  I have noticed that this happens to me and others so subconsciously that it seems to be a driving force in most people’s lives without them even knowing.  People unknowingly (sometimes) validate themselves against me.  They validate where they are better than me.  This could be physical, emotionally, financially or even comparing my wife or son to their own.  I am guilty of this as well.

In this continual journey of my life, I am striving to move away from shame and move toward empathy.  Empathy which is quite different than sympathy involves understanding other’s experiences through their eyes and not our own.  I often will listen to another’s problems and begin either comparing it to something that happened to me or prepare myself to provide a solution, without truly listening to that person’s issue at hand.  Through empathy, I will put myself in their shoes, not to take on the issue, fix it, or compare it to an experience of my own, but strive to listen and understand why that particular issue is impacting them the way it does.  With shame there are no conversations, just blame.  With empathy there is listening and understanding someone’s issue and why they feel the way they do.  Shame leads to disconnection, empathy leads to connectedness.  The two most important words when striving for empathy when talking to someone who suffers is ‘me too’.

As a new practice, I will start to tear down my walls and show my vulnerabilities.  Many see this is a weakness, but for me, I see it as a truer, loving connection with the ‘right’ people.  I am striving for the courage to be impactful.  Striving for compassion to be kind to me and others.  Finally building that connection that will result in authenticity.

I have been trying to do the impossible, which is numbing only certain emotions.  Those brought on by shame.  I nor anyone can numb only certain emotions.  I am willing to do things without guarantees.  As an example of telling my friends that I love them at risk of hearing that back or providing an empathetic ear knowing it may not be reciprocated.  I cannot achieve empathy without vulnerability.  I also cannot love others more than I love myself.

Do to the shaming I have experienced in my life I have become disconnected from much of my family and some friends.  I am learning to let go of who I should be, become who I am.  Believing I am worthy of love and belonging.  To say I AM ENOUGH.

Until next time,

Tim