Building towards a new me.

Photo by: Tim Bindner Photography

I attended my second therapy session this past week and learned that through practice I can change who I am inside.  My goal is to work to be a different person inside.  A different ‘Tim’.  As my Enneagram thought of the date stated today ‘How can you fully experience your Presence here and now?  Observe the many thoughts that pass through your awareness without becoming attached to them’.

Anxiety is something that consumes a large part of my thinking, and eventually emotions.  This anxiety and stress all come from one thing.  Fear!  Fear of the unknown, fear of what may happen, fear of how my actions will be perceived and judged, fear of the impact of my decisions, fear of what I say and how others will take it, fear of the future, fear of the past, fear, fear, fear.  I am learning and better understanding that without fear you cannot develop trust.  Without trust, you live in fear.  A vicious cycle.

So what will be my approach to conquering fear?  I think it starts with me with one purpose but in two aspects.  First is the one that Buddhist teachings recommend, and that is to live in the moment.  Yes, the past experiences shape our decisions, emotional responses, and feelings, but how much time do we spend in the past?  I spend a lot of time there.  It may be simple past moments when looking at photos I took and remembering that instance, place, feeling or emotion, or it may be a more complex and deeper thought such as times when I was hanging with friends that I rarely see anymore, a moment in high school, days when my son was younger, the time I spent with father who is no longer here, or particular times that I label as a great memory.  I am not alone in this sense of reliving the past, but I do feel I spend too much time there.  Those things were great and shape who I am, but I missing the current moments by wasting energy on those times that I can never, or should not want to ever get back.

Next, I am also striving to look at the current moment and see what and how I am feeling and thinking, and if those thoughts and feelings are causing me stress and anxiety.  This like meditation is a simple concept, yet hard to put into practice.  I will try my best to describe this problem-solution concept and my goal to utilize this to change my internal ‘Tim’.  Currently, if a stressful situation occurs, my first action is to go to the irrational side and stress, worry and respond without thinking.  I then focus on all the things that will negatively impact me because of this event.   I have the physical effects of tense muscles, higher blood pressure, sweating, then sometimes anxiety, possible anger, and snap judgments.  Ultimately waste of time.  Let me provide a specific example as it applies to my make-up.  Let’s say I am meeting a friend somewhere at 5 pm for dinner.  I leave to arrive at the location no later than 4:45, and more likely 4:30.  Let’s say I arrive and the clock gets closer and closer to 5 pm and possible moves past 5 pm and my friend is not there.  I start with feelings of anxiousness about why they are late.  Is something wrong, are they stuck in traffic, did they get in a wreck?  Then I move internally to did they do this on purpose, do they not respect my time/feelings enough to be on time, is this not important to them?  The result of all of this is I get worked up for no reason.  The person eventually shows up, maybe on time, early or late, but they show.  We have dinner good conversation and ultimately good moments.  I instantly forget the anxiety, stress and irrational feelings I had moments before, and thus wasted a ton of energy on things that didn’t matter.  My goal in a situation like this is still to arrive early, but let’s say 4:50 and not 4:30.  To not worry if they are a few minutes late, knowing that likely I will get a text if they are running late or if something came up.  Take the time I am waiting to possibly take pictures, people watch, or just look around and not at my phone, and enjoy that moment of peace.  When that person arrives, enjoy that moment with them.  I will also try and make note of how I feel handling the situation this way.  Try to turn this into the norm for me.  Again a simple concept, but for me a difficult one to tackle (not impossible).

Another process I have mentioned before that I am trying to surround myself with genuine people.  There are people we are forced to be around at work, in the family, and in daily life that may not fit into your goals, morals or ethics, but the time I spend with them is up to me.  I can live in that moment and not let their negativity, personal beliefs, or behavior impact me.  I can introspectively look at my feelings and thoughts around these people and ask myself why I feel that way.  Is it them or me?  Once I identify what makes me feel the way I do about them I can work to change my feelings and change that perspective.  My time with people I love, trust and connect with, is in my control.  Again I will live in the moment with them and try and understand what connects me with them.  Sometimes you have to change friends and I am looking at each ‘friend’ in my life and decide if I want them to be there and why.  I am trying to build my circle of trust.  I want to know myself.  I want my trusted friends to tell me when I suck.  Why?  Because then I can trust when they tell me I am good.  I want to develop that trust that they will tell me the truth.  Social media has so much negativity.  I can post something on a site and if the audience is large enough I will get many more negative comments than positive.  On the opposite side, there are people out there that constantly praise you, as to not hurt your feelings.  Both to me are wasted energy.  The people I value I want to give it to me straight know that there are validity and trust in their responses.

I know I will always spend some time in the past, and will always worry some about the future, but I plan to live in the here and now 95% of the time.  I want to do this with like-minded people.  Not people who pacify me or are afraid to tell me criticisms if the intent is to truly help me.  For those who have been part of my life, thank you for getting me here.  For those that won’t be here to see the end of my journey (whenever that might be), know that you helped get me on the right path.

Until next time,

Tim