True friends.

Photo by: Tim Bindner Photography

Yesterday I had lunch with one of my oldest and dearest friends.  Oldest not in age (he is three years younger than me), but oldest in the tenure of our relationship.  It was something I needed.

I had a day off and tried to schedule a lunch with my friend.  He was off as well and gladly obliged my request.  We had planned on meeting at Panera at noon.  As I drove that way I received a call from him asking if I had been to Cunningham’s Creekside Café, which I had not, but agreed to meet there.

I arrived early (a norm for me), pulled into a parking spot and text him I was there.  He responded that he will be there in a few and I took the time to think about our past relationship as I sat in my car with the windows down and the breeze blowing so soothingly through my car windows.  I could hear geese and ducks off in the distance of the creek and watched as customers came and went from the café.  I even watched a worker push a cart full of boxes across the parking lot to dispose of them.  This worker spent more time on his cell phone than the task at hand.

I first met Shawn around 35+ years ago.  We were both swimmers and spent many days at the pool, both casually swimming, at swim practice and eventually lifeguarding together.  He and I taught lifeguarding, CPR and First Aid classes together and attending a scuba class as dive buddies.  We often had lunch and dinner together and today’s meeting felt like one of those numerous meetings we had had in the past.  We went to different high schools and drifted apart for a few years but then in college, we met again and became pretty close.  He and I shared a lot of similar interests and hung out a lot together.  I never had a brother, but Shawn and I seemed to have this bond that I feel twins often had.  We knew each other so well we could predict each other’s actions and knew each other’s thoughts.  We had an unbreakable bond.  After college, we went our separate ways occasionally staying in touch as he got married, had kids and began his career.  I did the same.  It was again a few years later before we reconnected.

Today when he arrived we went to the restaurant and requested a seat outside overlooking Harrods’s Creek.  We ordered and then began to catch up.  As I listened to him talk about his career, wife, kids, step-daughter, and health, I realized many of my fears, worries, and anxieties were spot on to what he was going through.  Our conversation was private and will stay that way, but I realized in those moments that he was my brother, not by blood but by love and friendship.  We all need that certain someone that we can lean on that understands us completely without judgment or bias.  I am fortunate to have two friends like that, not including my wife.

Today’s lunch was part gripe session, part counseling session, part empathy session but mostly a time for us to reconnect.  We both talked and both listened.  I learned that he has his version of a stress reliever and it has the same calming effect on him as hiking does for me.  My soul was touched today.  I am lucky to have a friend like Shawn and glad I have known him for as long as I have.

We walked to the parking lot, hugged each other and tentatively set a plan in motion to meet again next month.  As I drove off I was both filled with joy and sadness.  Joy in the fact that we spent the time together, and sadness about the possible move that might happen soon.  Part of our conversation today revealed his plans to retire in 5 – 7 years and likely move to a warmer climate.  With two sons, a step-daughter, wife, and career our schedules rarely have times for us to meet.  The thoughts of him moving away honestly brought tears to my eyes as I drove home, knowing that I might rarely if ever, see him again once that possible move happens.  As a line from the Shawshank Redemption once stated: “I miss my friend”.  Everything in life is so limited, as mentioned in a previous blog.  Today I realized how limited our meetings might be.

This month I switch decades of my age, my son is starting his first job and getting his drivers to permit.  If the laws of averages are correct I am now 2/3 of the way through my life and my son is just beginning his.  I realize after talking to Shawn I still have over 16 years of work left.  Who knows what the next few months and years will bring for me for Shawn and my relationship, my son and even my wife, but I wait whatever things are thrown at me.  I do know in a few years my son will be gone, and Shawn might be gone and that terrifies me.

If you are in pain that pain suffocates everything in your life.  I have mild physical pain more and more every year, but the emotional and mental pain I feel is what tends to suffocate me.  I am trying to let go of the past, which is where my mind tends to go in times of stress or anxiety and rely on people like my wife, Shawn, and Alan to keep me sane and grounded.  They are my sounding board (sometimes sarcastically), but always with my best interest at heart.  I have many friends.  Some I reveal a bit more of myself to than others, but my inner circle, the one I trust the most consists of those mentioned above.  These three know me better than I know myself.  They are my support system. For the rest of the world, I will wear those masks that have gotten me this far in life. Like an onion I will slowly peel back layers, likely resulting in tears, but with hope to be truly free and comfortable revealing my true self to everyone.  I suggest each of you find those one or two people you can completely relax, feel free with, and tell them and show them how much you love them.  Great friends can go years without talking and when together, pick up like time never paused a moment.  I have that with Shawn and Alan.  I hope each of you has that with someone too.

Until next time,

Tim