Insecurities.

Photo by: Tim Bindner Photography

My insecurities are holding me back and preventing me from being who I want to be.  I will probably never overcome them but I am going to try.  I need to try this to lessen the battle that rages inside my mind and heart.

I have always perceived myself more a bit different than others.  I think that is common for most people, but I can only speak on my behalf.  The choices I make, the things I like, and what I believe in do not fit the mold of ‘normal’ for most people.

First, let me begin with a socially acceptable practice and a hidden practice that most people do.  In both cases I am not judging, just providing my point of view and why I don’t do these things.  Drinking alcohol is something I chose not to do at an early age.  Well before the legal age of 21, I had an experience that completely opened my eyes and terrified me at the same time.  I was maybe twelve years old and was going to a sleepover at a friend’s house when we got invited to a party in the neighborhood.  In my younger years, we were allowed to wander the streets and neighborhoods without fears of sex trafficking, being abducted or getting into any real trouble.  So it was no issue for us to go to this party as long as we were back “at a reasonable hour”.

Growing up Catholic, my dad drank, my mom drank, my uncles and aunts drank, and my older cousins drank.  My parent’s friends would come over on weekends and have a few beers.  All normal in my world.  So what changed my mind to not be ‘normal’?  It was a party and more specifically a girl at this party.  As mentioned above my friend, his brothers and I headed over to this party which had kids from 11 up to 18 years old.  There was beer everywhere, stronger alcohol present such as whiskey, bourbon, and other alcohol in that class.  There were also some weed.  I noticed that before we even entered the house as the sweet smell filled the air upon our arrival.

I entered the living room of the house and saw kids I knew and a few I didn’t.  I found a seat on a couch, and as I learned to do later in life, sat and observed people.  You can learn so much from just watching people.  Within minutes a girl I knew sat down next to me on the couch (more like flopped) and within a few seconds starting throwing up.  Now, this was not your, I’m sick kind of puking, but very forceful regurgitating like something bad in her body needed to escape and escape quickly and violently.  What made this so impressionable on me was that first, it was happening right next to me, but also that she was puking up lots of blood.  Something I would later see in horror movies, but this was real.  I quickly jumped up and moved out of the line of fire.  This girl then began convulsing and the party time quickly turned to that of horror.  While this was going on I overheard someone say this 12-year-old had a drinking problem (let that sink in) and had alcohol poisoning.  At that moment I made the decision not to drink, and though I have tasted things from time to time, I have never been drunk, nor even drank more than a single sip of any alcohol.  Again I do not judge others, I choose what is best for me.

The second aspect is one that is still socially acceptable, but rarely discussed or whispered in conversations.  That is smoking weed.  This again is something I have seen a lot growing up but never participated in.  Another aspect of alcohol that I failed to mention that carried over in my life is the lack of control.  With excessive amounts of alcohol, smoking weed, taking pain pills, etc., I would not have full control of my body.  This frightens me.  I do not take pain pills other than an occasional Tylenol for fear of what loss of control I might have.  I have had a few surgeries in my life and each one proceeds with pure panic and anxiety.

So what about my insecurities?  Well anyone who knows me, knows I don’t drink or do drugs.  I have no issues or problems letting people know that.  It was difficult as a teenager and young adult, but peer pressure is no longer an issue for me.  The insecurities I experience are those of emotions and thoughts I experience in everyday life.  I have Harmony as a strength.  This means I want everyone to get along and be peaceful with each other.  As I see things in my daily life I struggle to voice my true opinions for fear of destroying that harmony.  I do not feel I am better than anyone else, but I do see obvious flaws with people’s thoughts/beliefs and that is where the battle within rages.  I want to say things but don’t.  I know I have no right to say anything, but I am also a natural helper and not saying anything to ‘help’ goes against the very fiber of my being.

I am unique.  I typically don’t follow the norms of society.  Most people love sleeping late, I am always up early.  Most people enjoy watching sports, I follow the Green Bay Packers and a few NBA players, but for the most part, could care less about sports.  Most people enjoy spending time with their families, again I do not (a topic for another post).  Many love celebrations, I do not.  While the world loves a good steak, I prefer cheeseburgers.  Most prefer to be at a party or social gathers, I prefer to be alone in the woods.  I turned fifty this week, and wanted no party, no celebration, and was trying to keep it hush, but that was foiled when my wife posted on Facebook.  I like what I like, and I am who I am.

The truth of the real self is a lie.  I never will be able to be my real self without persecution and judgment.  This is why I so easily lose myself in solo hiking, photography, listening to music and now this blog.  I can do what I want and when I want within these activities without judgment (well maybe not with this blog).  I even struggle to share this blog with members of my family.  I know things I write about will be met with ridicule, hurt feelings and judgment.  Family members can and will say things they would never say to a stranger or friend.  My blog will offend as seems to be a rite these days.

For now, I will continue to wear masks out in society.  My ultimate goal is to reveal my true self to everyone without fear of consequences.  I will learn to speak through my photography and blog until I feel comfortable speaking face to face.

Until next time,

Tim