Good Enough?

 

This past week Dr. Erin and I discussed many things. She did, however spring a new term on me. Social Attribution Error. It is something I suffer from, without knowing the term and we dove a little deeper into it and what I could do to reverse it.

Social Attribution Error has many aspects but a few I want to point out.

Explaining behavior:

It's the process of trying to understand why someone acted a certain way by assigning a cause to their behavior. 

Internal vs. external attribution:

You can attribute behavior to internal factors (like personality traits) or external factors (like situational circumstances).

With a bit of conversation Erin and I discussed my strong and irrational internal attribution and how I always see myself as not good enough. Not a good enough father, husband, friend, employee, relative, writer, photographer, etc.

Much of this started in my childhood when my mother would compare me to my classmates, friends and even cousins. It was her way of showing me love, however it crushed my psyche and I have never fully recovered. My self-esteem is fragile, and confidence is low.

I hear others tell me the opposite of my own thoughts. ‘You are a great’ writer, photographer, father, husband, etc. The voices in my head debate those comments and my brain both consciously and subconsciously looks for proof that I am not.

Erin pulled a book off her bookshelf and told me she was given this in grad school I believe. The book is called Mind Over Mood by Dennis Greenberger & Christine A Padesky. As she flipped through the workbook, she found an exercise called a Thought Record.

On the Thought Record there are 7 columns. Situation, Moods, Automatic Thoughts (Images), Evidence That Supports the Hot Thoughts, Evidence That Does Not Support the Hot Thought, Alternative/Balanced Thoughts, and Rate Mood Now. Erin quickly stated that steps 5 & 6 would be my biggest challenge. These are Evidence That Does Not Support the Hot Thought, Alternative/Balanced Thoughts.

Next, we began to probe one topic that I felt I could work through. I was given photography, employee and husband. I initially chose photography, but she felt husband was a better topic. This process will involve feedback from Marcie. Hopefully she is okay with homework.

I will begin filling out this worksheet every time I feel I am not a good husband (being more specific as to what situation makes me feel that way). I will then have Marcie help me with justifying Evidence That Does Not Support That Hot Thought, and work with her to come up with Alternative/Balanced Thoughts. I will then present these to Erin when we meet again for more direction.

I am stuck in a rut and have learned to justify my negative thoughts for 56 years. Anyone’s mind can justify anything. To prove this if you want a new vehicle, saw a red Jeep. When you drive around you begin to see Jeeps everywhere including many red ones. They are always there but now you mind is looking for them, so you see them. Same goes with me justifying my negative thoughts.

For example. If a friend says I will call you back or provides a specific time and then doesn’t call or text back my brain begins to run through things like they blew me off, don’t want to talk to me, don’t consider me a friend, don’t want or have time for me, or even worse, I am not worthy of their friendship. Especially if this is a pattern with certain friends.

This is so deeply engrained in me if I ever say I will call or text someone I do it. I do not want others to think or feel like I do, even though I know 99% of the people do not.

Also, when friends no longer have time for me, leave (move), or just quit reaching out. I take it personally like I am not good enough or did/said something wrong.  But hey, that is a story for another time. I am focusing on why I feel I am not a good husband.

I have purchased the book referenced above in hopes it will help my mental health journey. I know I am not alone when I question myself for not being good enough on whatever subject. I know others go through this from time to time. However, mine is constant, and like statistics I can find information in my head to justify not being good enough at ….

Until next time,

Tim