Not good enough

 

Friday’s session with Erin was very helpful and informative. It also helped me understand one of my biggest mental issues. I have a plan now on how to lessen or overcome it.

After discussing my issue with Erin, she stated to me that consciously or unconsciously, my mother treated me in a passive-aggressive way by comparing me to my friends, family and even classmates. Her intention, I am sure, was to highlight their success and the good things they were doing or have done, but internally I got the message that I was not good enough.

Whether it was hearing about my cousins’ adorable children, the impressive achievements of my high school classmates, or even updates about mutual acquaintances, she always seemed to know everything. The message within me remained consistent. My effort was not up to par, at least in her mind.

Decades of hearing these messages have led me to feeling inadequate and insecure. Like most things in life, I seek validation. Every time I get rejected for a job; I validate I am not good enough. When I lose contact with ‘friends’; I validate I am not good enough. When friends decline invitations over and over to hang out; I validate I am not good enough. Even when my son or wife get mad at me; I validate I am not good enough.

My psyche is fragile. It does not take much for me to justify the feelings that I so often have. This was what Erin and I spoke at length about in my last session. Her advice for me was to challenge my thinking. She mentioned that because I have lived this way for so long, it will be natural for me to go to this negative and dark place. However, she has challenged me to not only recognize these feelings and thoughts, but to replace them with more positive thoughts and feelings.
She pointed out that I possess this ability, as she observed me uncomfortably accepting compliments on my photography. I used to despise compliments, always doubting whether my work was truly worthy of praise.

Taking baby steps, I will begin trying to challenge my thoughts and feelings when the insecurity floods my brain. Not to jump to the extreme of “I am great” or “I am perfect”, but to start small and say to myself I am okay. I am enough. Hoping over time I can increase this positivity from okay to good or even great.

These relentless self-doubt thoughts of not measuring up as a husband, father, friend, brother, or even as an employee or candidate have taken a toll on my well-being. I yearn to regain my peace and reassess my worth as a father, husband, and friend in every aspect of my life. In addition, I must learn to confront and overcome my internal voice that constantly questions whether I was truly an adequate son, despite the negative messages I received throughout my upbringing.

Until next time,

Tim