Relaxation

 

I read or saw something recently that paraphrasing stated something like this. I was raised as a child (as well as much of my generation was) that no fun or relaxation happened until my homework and chores were completed. In an ironic twist of fate, I now cannot ever relax because there are always things that must be done.

I discussed this with Erin on my last visit and she said that was very profound and that I may have a point. Now the challenge is how to rewire my thinking that was etched into my brain my entire childhood and early adult life?

I am not alone, as I mentioned above. My sister, for example, has two kids in sports. She works full-time and so does her husband. They are running from the time they wake until they go to bed. Any time she sits down, she falls asleep. My mother-in-law is the same way. She always had to be occupied with some tasks or another. Every day, she diligently cleans every nook and cranny of the house. Whether it’s making wreaths or working outside, she always finds a way to stay busy and add her personal touch to her environment. At night, ideas flood her mind, compelling her to rise and act upon them. In the stillness of the night, it is not out of character for her to be found, tirelessly shifting furniture until the early hours of the morning.

My mind also races at night. I do not get up and do things about it, because some things that pop into my head are senseless. For example, I may wake up at 2:30am on Thursday morning and think I need to take the trash out. We have lived here for over 10 years, and I have never missed putting the trash out, but it pops into my head. Last night, for example, I woke up around 1:40am and thought about the cereal I had in my pantry. I knew I had bought 3 but could only remember 2 of them. Why did this pop into my brain and why did it even matter?

Random thoughts about adding something to the grocery list, wondering what the water bill will be, waking up and trying to figure out what day it is, then also trying to figure out when I cut the grass last, thus planning for the next time I need to cut it.

Some thoughts run deep, like the looming question of whether retirement will ever be within reach. Since my mid-twenties, I have been grappling with this issue, and as the years have passed, it has only intensified. Moreover, it takes a toll on one’s energy levels.

I mentioned to Erin that even during vacations, it’s hard to find true relaxation or peace. A few years ago, Marcie and I set off on an adventure to explore the beauty of Door County, Wisconsin. While I was still savoring the trip, anxiety crept in as I started contemplating the challenge of navigating through Chicago traffic during our return journey. Just like before, our recent trip to Colorado had me contemplating the challenges of returning to the busiest airport in America, determined to plan and avoid any traffic or timing issues. Because of my anxiousness, we ended up reaching the airport a good four hours prior to our designated flight departure.

A friend suggested me trying to come up with how I find peace and what things kill my peace. He continued to say if I can come up with 2-3 things that provide me peace, that doing those may help make progress towards a more peaceful and restful mind. He added, “true/lasting peace does not come from my effort, but there are still things I can do to help myself.”

There is no doubt in my mind that writing, photography, and hiking are all activities that bring me a deep sense of inner peace. Regrettably, I am unable to do these activities frequently or consistently. I made it a point to hike almost every day during my recent leave from work, and the impact on my anxiety was significant. Despite the darkness, my brain remained active throughout the night. My head buzzed with thoughts of tomorrow’s plans and replaying the scenic hike from earlier, making it hard to sleep.

Things that kill my peace are endless. I have been trying to lessen the burden by eliminating what I can. I do not attend funerals, weddings, and especially family gatherings as it highly increases my stress and anxiety having to talk to people and share meaningless conversations that would not naturally happen otherwise. I avoid people that zap what positive energy I have, such as Marcie’s sister, her cousin Michael, and uncle Frank. Even her brother-in-law Devin can test my nerves with his constant need to talk (which includes telling the same stories over and over).

The weight of my responsibilities constantly disrupts my inner peace. My personal peace is constantly chipped away as I strive to keep up with paying bills, completing chores, meeting Gavin's needs, and making sure Marcie has everything she needs, all while ensuring the dogs are never left alone for too long. In order to guarantee completion, I must have control over these things. While I have faith in Marcie and Gavin's abilities, I was brought up to be accountable for my own tasks and not rely on others.

Routine has become etched into my DNA as well. I go to bed around the same time nightly. Wake up around the same time daily. Most importantly, I need to know what is going on for the day. As a planner, it drives Marcie nuts, but I cannot be spontaneous. If I know the plan I can expect things like traffic, barriers for others being late if they plan to join us, and even plan things I might eat if I know what restaurant we are going to. Ironically, if I show up “on time” I feel I am late to something. I am always early, and ironically, most of my friends are always late, which causes internal stressforn me as well.

Many times, I have voiced my doubts about ever finding complete relaxation until the end of my life. Even though I strive to release control and refrain from planning every situation, I'm starting to doubt if, after 56 years, I can truly change. In my journal entry from last week, I expressed my longing for peace and a single night of restful sleep, uninterrupted for 8 hours. Will it ever happen, or is it just a distant dream?

Until next time,

Tim