Leave

 

I’m not okay. This week has been stressful. So much, in fact, I had to take a medical leave from Humana. It began today and will last through most of March. Though I am relieved somewhat, I still am fighting some of those internal demons that constantly haunt me.

During my last visit with the doctor Erin, she knew immediately, without a word, that something was wrong. She noticed, and we discussed these stressors on several visits prior to my last one.

It is not uncommon for me to face challenges and feel emotionally unsettled. I haven’t been okay for a while.

Every morning, I am greeted with a racing heart and a wave of panic and anxiety as soon as I wake up. I feel as though my heart is a runaway train, racing uncontrollably and leaving me uncertain of its eventual destination. Whether it’s anxiety, fear, overwhelm, burnout, depression, ADHD, or simply the fast-paced world we live in today, my mind reached its breaking point.

Overcoming and shaking off this feeling is like trying to untangle oneself from a web of emotions. It’s a struggle to write when the present reality demands full engagement. I’ve been diligently working on finding a way through it, unraveling the puzzle one step at a time.

Like a cut on the roof of your mouth, your tongue persistently prods at it, exacerbating the discomfort and fixating your mind on the sensation. I don’t clearly understand what this is or if it’s something that can be accurately determined. As the pressure intensifies, I find it harder to stay centered on my tasks, leading to a lackluster performance and a constant state of panic. Every day feels like a battle to get through without being completely exhausted. The looming prospect of having to face a nightmare of emotions, a swirling circus of panic, fear, overwhelm, burnout, and more, makes me dread getting out of bed in the morning.

This week was the breaking point. Not only did my job become overwhelming with extra responsibilities, but they were also tasks that I never signed up for and genuinely disliked doing. It’s ironic that they hired me as a process improvement professional, considering that the work I’m doing is full of flaws and opportunities for enhancement. Yet, my leaders do little to nothing to improve the work.

Taking a break from Humana won’t resolve the deep-rooted issues of anxiety, depression, and feeling overwhelmed. The biggest burden on my mind currently is work-related stress. Despite my reservations, I will follow Dr. Erin’s recommendation and consult a psychiatrist for medication, even though I would prefer not to.

There will probably always be periods in my life when I feel these things. I also know I am not alone. Surprisingly, both my boss and coworkers have been incredibly supportive, which has filled me with hope. Even though I face these internal demons, I take comfort because I am not alone and have people who support me.

Professionals have labeled my mental health with anxiety, depression, ADHD, overwhelm, burnout, and even described it as going through a rough spot. These labels, though potentially accurate in certain contexts, do not fully capture the breadth and depth of my identity.

While labels can provide support, excessive reliance on them can also lead to negative consequences. Having labels doesn’t mean I’m flawed. I’m not a negative or mistaken individual. I am here for a reason and to have a purpose. Plainly I simply am not doing okay, and the darkness inside me grows stronger with each breath I take.

Today was my first day of leave, and I took a long hike. I walked 5 miles in complete silence. Silence around me, but not within me. I ran through the various scenarios and outcomes of taking the leave from work. The battle inside my mind was fierce - on one side, the loving words of encouragement and support from my wife and friends, and on the other, the relentless voice that constantly berated me, insisting that I was worthless, a failure, and making a colossal mistake.

The hike became livelier and more filled with laughter when I discovered an orange cone hidden among the trees. Placing it on my head, I snapped a picture and quickly sent it to Marcie. Then drastically switched as my tears would come in waves, overwhelming me in those moments. Happily, I was alone. As I hunched over, my sobs echoed on the empty trail, my body convulsing with each wave of emotion.

During one of these moments, I saw the tree above. During one of these moments, I noticed the tree above and realized that the small branch on the right was not broken, but rather growing. Growing in the wrong direction. I snapped the picture, and my mind quickly went to my current struggle. I was growing, but in the wrong direction.

The Tim I had become I didn’t like. He scared me. His reflection in the mirror looks right, but who I had become internally was not. This leave is the first step in hopefully getting my mind right for whatever comes next. Whether it is returning to work with a new vigor and purpose or moving on to somewhere else. I cannot answer any of these questions now, but hopefully over the next few eeks and many hikes, I can find my passion and purpose for life again.

Until next time,

Tim