Homework

Photo by: Tim Bindner Photography

Today was my third visit with Dr. Erin and like before we discovered some more insight into the mind of Tim and my homework assignments continue.  This newest challenge is my toughest thus far.  I think I can, I think I can.

To recap I am to spend ten minutes a day worrying.  If a situation, thought or idea comes up that causes worry, I table that for my ‘worry time’.  It has not been easy but seems to be a bit easier for me than meditation.  I utilize mental lists to keep track of my subjects to worry about and so far have been scheduling my time while on the treadmill.  I am not sure if the mountains have lessened my stress or this activity has, but I am feeling better, not great, but better.

My next assignment was to make small decisions and live with them.  Don’t explain, justify or give reasons why, but live with the decision.  This has also caused me unease but I am making simple steps to do this as well.  My fear of making a wrong decision or any ramifications of my decision has plagued me most of my life.  Even a simple choice can be daunting.  If I am alone and the decision only affects, me this is not an issue, but if it impacts others, that is where I struggle.  “was it the right decision, did they say yes to pacify me, could I have made a better decision….”?  These are what goes through my mind.  Some of the simplest decisions like going out to eat can cripple my mind.

Today’s breakthrough session lent itself to a discussion on the negative effects receiving complements has on me, and looking for the good in those compliments.   For example, if I get a compliment on a picture I take, my natural tendency is to either point out the flaws to that person, send them another picture from a ‘better’ photographer that I feel outshines mine or try and persuade the person that I am not as skillful as they perceive.  My homework as mentioned is to take those compliments, say thank you, and internally look at all the things they are complimenting me about.  I usually wait for some sort of negative to come with any positive thing in my life.

Dr. Erin dug in and was able to determine one of the sources for this thinking.  Deep down inside I knew the reason, but talking with her brought it to light.  I am battling almost 51 years of this type of thinking, so I am taking the marathon not a sprint approach.  Growing up my thoughts, feelings, emotions and even actions (if revealed) were compared to classmates, friends, cousins and even neighbor kids.  If I did something good, I would get praise, and then the ‘but’ would compare that action to something someone else did.  The intent was not malicious but always came across as you could always do better.  I discovered I do this to myself today.  Like I said if someone praises a shot I took, I quickly compare that to another’s work, usually with the intent of lessening my work.  My internal voice is saying “you might think my shot is good but look at this much better shot”.  I try to justify what I feel is my inferior ability.  I do this with all aspects of my life.  As a father, husband, son, brother and even friend, I am not good enough.  I am now trying to change this thinking.  Again a long marathon, not a sprint.  I know this will cause me a lot of unease and anxiety but I am willing to try.

Finally, I learned that I am likely an introverted extrovert.  What the heck???  As I understood it I love and even crave my alone time, but can if needed be outgoing, talk to strangers, and do okay in a large crowd or at a party.  However, those things if done too long, or too often increase my anxiety.  I dread the thought of being in those types of situations (party, crowd, among large groups, etc.), but can handle them temporarily.  I think that is why I dread family gets together.  I am much better at one-on-one of very small groups.  As these things are part of life, I must learn to channel that energy as well.

My therapy has been so helpful.  I found a kindred spirit and someone who clinically understands what I am going through and how I am feeling.  These sessions are worth so much to me.  I am figuring out who I am finally, and learning to deal with a lifetime of pressures from my mom, ‘friends’ and even society.  I am a bit sad it took this long, but hey I arrived, now for some much-needed healing.

Until next time,

Tim