Ruminator

Photo by: Tim Bindner Photography   This week turned out to be a bit different than I had planned and much more enjoyable than expected.  As usual, it involved photography. Wednesday I took the day off to attend a local camera’s store display of a new camera being released next month.  I had no desire to buy the camera but wanted to check it out.  As stated I took Wednesday off, planned on meeting Mark then heading to the camera store.  Something internally told me to check the date and true enough the event was Thursday, not Wednesday.  As to not be deterred Mark and I met anyway and drove around taking pictures. The day was overcast, with waves of light mist, light rain and then nothing.  We took Mark’s Jeep and headed down the country roads in search of sites.  My love is old barns, building and pretty much anything dilapidated.  The cloudy grey skies provided the perfect backdrop as well as the mood for what we were about to encounter. As we made our way towards Corydon we stop...

As a photographer (or just a picture taker) I receive many compliments on my work but it is not something I enjoy.  I cringe inside.  For as long as I remember I have never been one to want, expect or even need compliments.  The effect on me has the opposite impact as intended. Compliments for my writing, photographs, previous swimming ability, my height, and even my perceived ability as a good husband and father all accompany an uneasy feeling within me.  According to the internet these might derive from a sense of self-worth or lack of it.  I am not sure if that is correct or not.  I think it is more a result of not wanting attention focused on me for something. My blog is a form of therapy.  I have never been a great writer, not even a good writer.  I just regurgitate my thoughts on digital paper.  If it helps me work through feelings or even better help others then I am glad but never intended it or expected compliments from it.  It may even provide others with a bit of insight int...

Photo by: Tim Bindner Photography Anxiety hit me quite hard this past week.  It was a culmination of many different challenges that were thrown my way recently.  The result I needed help to cope.  Unfortunately, I am back on anxiety medicine. I have an internal stereotype when it comes to medications.  It is for me not others.  I do not drink, don’t take illegal drugs, and hate pain medicine even Tylenol/Ibuprofen.  This is a conscious choice and not a reflection or condemnation of others who chose to do these things.  When I consulted with my doctor, a friend (who is a doctor), and even my wife, and they all concluded I go back on anxiety medicine.  I guess it was an obvious need based on my recent interactions, especially with my wife. I felt a sense of failure and conceded to do so.  It was a failure (in my mind) that I cannot control myself enough to handle what many would seem like normal life challenges.  I saw them as too overwhelming for me to handle. Recently a friend had a so...

My luck might be turning for the better.  At least in the short term. Out of the blue Wednesday, I got a text from a dear friend asking if we could have lunch Thursday.  As I had to work, I had to decline but he followed up with “what time you get off?”  So we scheduled an early dinner to meet.  I was excited and a bit nervous, as I was not sure why he wanted to meet. Shawn is a lifelong friend who I wrote about in a previous blog .  We have known each other since we were kids.  He is like a brother to me.  Throughout our lives, we have taken different paths and have gone years without speaking due to kids, wives, and careers, but when we do get together it is like nothing has changed. We met at Cracker Barrel, and as is always the case I arrived early.  I sat down and starting thinking about how we met, the many times we spent together and some of the crazy adventures we had been upon.  Shawn has been in my life for 36 years. Soon he arrived, sat down and we began talking. ...

My family has been hit recently with many unexpected medical, and financial issues that have honestly sent me back to a high level of anxiety.  I don’t want to talk about those here, but instead focus on my friend Mark. Mark and I only met a few years ago while Geocaching.  He is one of the original Geocachers and has over 25,000 finds.  We met I believe at an event, then ran across each other a few times after.  Like me, Mark enjoys hiking and photography.  Our similar interests have helped us develop a great friendship. Last Friday I took off work, met Mark and bought his lunch.  Mark retired and his last day of work was Thursday.  His last day was also his 67 th birthday.  It was a small gesture but I felt honored to do so.  He jokingly said he would return the favor when I retire.  Keep in mind he will be 84 years old then. We both arrived early to Mission BBQ, a place I wanted to try but have never been to.  As the doors were not open, I got out of my car and hopped in his t...