Numbness or Screams

I recently saw a quote that resonated with me. Erin saw it today in my session and gave me a bit of the side eye.

“I am well tangled in an insatiable chaos- always balancing between the numbness and the screams.”–S.A. Quinox.

My mind has been a battleground of contrasting sensations, alternating between numbing silence and haunting screams. There is a constant oscillation, as if I am momentarily anchored in one place before being propelled to the opposite extreme.

Next week I am meeting with a psychiatrist, as part of Erin’s recommendation. The plan is to discuss medicating me. At first, I was 100% against this, but then I realized I am on medication for cholesterol, for diabetes and for gout. This is no different. I have friends on Xanax and Adderall and they take them, not a prescribed but “as needed”. I want nothing nearly that strong, and will take it as prescribed, not “when things get bad”.

During my leave from work, I hike almost daily, exploring new trails and immersing myself in nature. Engaging in this is helping me unwind and mentally prepare for my return to work. Erin and I had a thorough conversation about setting boundaries at work, focusing particularly on prioritizing my needs.

From February 16th onwards, I have been exploring a mix of familiar and unknown trails, immersing myself in a variety of landscapes, and experiencing new sensations. While exploring alone, I stumbled upon hidden gems and later introduced my friends, including Mark, Amanda, and Amanda, to these newfound treasures.

As I went along, I captured every moment through my photographs. I have a clear and uncomplicated goal. Take a photo of anything that captures my gaze. With no other plans or obligations. Below is a link to those photographs. I will continue to add to them as I hike, so please bookmark the link.

As I sit here writing this, I can still feel the soreness in my legs from my invigorating 6-mile hike this morning. According to my watch, I have already taken 18,728 steps today, and there are still a few more hours until bedtime.

Amid the constant struggle between numbness and screams, I am finding solace in knowing that I am gradually regaining control. Dr. Erin’s guidance, the anticipation of the upcoming psychiatrist visit, and the unwavering support from my wife, cousin, and friends Mark, Amanda, and Amanda are all serving as pillars of strength, providing me with the support to find a more comfortable state. A place where the numbness tingles and the screams transform into hushed whispers.

Until next time,

Tim

https://500px.com/p/timbindner/galleries/temp-2

Comments

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