Hope

 

There is still a war going on within me, but things have changed. I'm no longer trying to destroy myself, I'm on a rescue mission now.

Today, I am hoping for a breakthrough in my mental health journey. As I hiked today, I received some exciting news that brought a smile to my face and made the journey even more enjoyable.

I ended the day with a new treatment plan that begins tonight.

I met with a psychiatrist (recommended by Dr. Erin) and he went over my mental health history and, ultimately, he prescribed a new medication. Doctors categorize this medication under the anxiolytic classification and primarily use it to treat generalized anxiety disorder (GAD). It is an FDA-approved medicine for managing anxiety disorders or the short-term relief of anxiety symptoms.

Ironically, the mere thought of seeing him or relying on medication for mental health caused me a great deal of stress. Eventually, I mustered up the courage to trust Erin and pay him a visit after ruminating on it for quite some time. To maintain my health, I rely on medication for my heart, cholesterol, and blood pressure. I convinced myself that my brain also needs something to get me through the days.

The other bit of news I received today was that my leave from Humana will be extended. I now will return on April 1^st with a small transition. I will work my first week back 4 hours a day, then week two will be 6 hours a day, then the third week will be full time. This, of course, is still waiting for final approval from Humana.

I have a follow-up with Dr. Erin this Friday and seeing the psychiatrist on April 9^th. I appreciate all of those who have reached out to me and/or Marcie during this time. It means a lot to me.

I have hope. My hope is a flicker of light in the darkest corners of my mind. It’s a fragile thing, sometimes no bigger than a single ember, but it holds the potential to ignite a roaring fire. It warms me from the inside out, pushing away the chills of doubt and despair. Hope paints the future in bright hues, a canvas splashed with possibility. Hope whispers a gentle promise, caressing my skin like a soft breeze, and reminds me I can conquer even my most formidable anxiety. It’s the invigorating feeling that propels me out of bed each morning, eager to confront whatever obstacles lie ahead.

“I curled my aching fingers around fistfuls of maybe and called it hope.”- Mira Harlow

Until next time,

Tim