Ruminator

I realized today I have not written in almost a month. My blogs are usually inspired by things I do or powerful feelings I am having on a particular issue rolling around in my brain. The desire is always there to write; the inspiration is often not. Today I feel a bit of the need to write. I began writing a daily journal back in March. I am unsure if this is taking away my inspiration to write a blog, or likely the lack of doing what I love (hiking), has left me uninspired. I know, however, as we change the calendar from July to August tomorrow, that we are one month closer to my hiking season. The time this hibernating bear awakes, at least physically. The calendar change also will mean that I can say next month I am going on my trip with my lovely wife. Since Kota passed back in March, I have felt a sense of freedom when planning trips. No guilt about leaving him at home, and no anxiety for him or me. As many of you know, I share the fact that I “don’t like people”. It is not 100% th...

I recently had a visit to my psychologist where we discussed my continuous anxiety, but she dug deeper, and I believe may have pinpointed a major source of that anxiety. This is what I want to discuss today. If you are a regular reader to my blog, you know anxiety is woven into the fabric of my being. I live with it daily. Sometimes I can control it, other times it can be overwhelming. As she asked me about what things cause me anxiety, she suggested looking at the positives in each situation and to not ruminate on the negative. We discussed various subjects that cause my anxiety when she looked at me and asked a simple question. “Do you think all this anxiety stems from you feeling as you are not good enough?” Like a hit to the gut, this got my wheels turning. I think she has started a journey for me with that statement. I do not feel I am good enough in four areas. Son, husband, father, and friend are these categories. I have written often about my mom and how she would compare me to...